I’ve always been curious about why people approach relationships so differently. Some people seem to build and maintain relationships effortlessly, while others struggle with trust, distance, or emotional ups and downs. Over time, I started noticing my own patterns—moments when I felt secure and connected, and others when I hesitated to trust fully or felt overly focused on reassurance. It made me wonder: Where do these tendencies come from?
It wasn’t until I came across attachment theory that things started to click. The way we form bonds in childhood doesn’t just stay in the past—it shapes how we connect, communicate, and handle intimacy as adults. Understanding my own attachment style has helped me make sense of the way I approach relationships, and it’s given me the tools to build healthier, more intentional connections.
Attachment Styles: How Early Relationships Shape Us
Attachment theory, first introduced by John Bowlby (1969) and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth (1978), asserts that the emotional bonds we form as infants influence how we relate to others throughout life. Based on observations of infant-caregiver interactions, Ainsworth identified four primary attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Children with secure attachment trust caregivers for comfort and support, enabling confident exploration. They show distress when separated but are easily comforted upon reunion. Consistent, responsive care fosters emotional security and resilience.
| Anxious Attachment: Children with anxious attachment show intense distress when separated and struggle to be soothed. Inconsistent caregiving leads to clinginess, anger, or helplessness, limiting exploration and independence.
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Avoidant Attachment:Unresponsive caregiving leads children to suppress emotions, avoid comfort, and become overly self-reliant, hindering trust and secure relationships.
| Disorganized Attachment: Children show contradictory behaviours, seeking comfort while pushing caregivers away. Unpredictable caregiving leads to distress, making this a severe form of attachment insecurity.
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How Attachment Styles Influence Adult Love
The way you connect with others in adulthood—how you give and receive love, handle intimacy, and resolve conflict—is deeply shaped by your early attachment experiences. These patterns influence your ability to trust, communicate, and navigate emotional closeness in relationships. While some develop a secure foundation that fosters stability and mutual support, others may struggle with fears of abandonment, emotional distance, or conflicting desires for connection. Understanding your attachment style provides insight into your relational patterns and can help foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Here’s how different attachment styles manifest in adulthood:
Securely Attached Adults:Comfortable with intimacy and independence, they form trusting relationships with low anxiety and avoidance, fostering stability and open communication.
| Anxiously (preoccupied) Attached Adults: They fear abandonment, seek constant reassurance, and may be possessive or codependent, leading to high anxiety and emotional dependence.
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Avoidantly (dismissive) Attached Adults: They prioritize independence, resist emotional closeness, and struggle with trust, often suppressing their needs and distancing from others.
| Disorganized (fearful-avoidant) Attachment Adults: They crave closeness but fear intimacy, struggling with trust and emotional consistency, leading to high anxiety, avoidance, and relationship instability.
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Fictional Figures That Epitomize Each Attachment Style
Sometimes, it’s easier to understand abstract psychological concepts when we see them in action—especially in our favourite TV shows and movies. Here are some well-known fictional characters that embody each attachment style:
Secure Attachment – Pam Beesly & Jim Halpert (The Office): Pam and Jim’s relationship is a great example of secure attachment. They trust each other, communicate openly, and maintain a healthy balance between independence and intimacy. They handle conflicts with understanding and reassurance rather than fear or avoidance.
Anxious Attachment – Ross Geller (Friends): Ross is a textbook case of anxious attachment. He craves reassurance, is hyper-aware of relationship threats, and struggles with jealousy (cue: “We were on a break!”). His emotional ups and downs in relationships, especially with Rachel, reflect the preoccupied attachment style—where love feels like a rollercoaster of highs and lows.
Avoidant Attachment – Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls): Lorelai is independent and self-sufficient, so much so that she actively avoids deep emotional vulnerability. She keeps relationships light and fun but bolts the moment things start to get serious. Even with Luke, the one person who truly gets her, she struggles to open up fully. Her avoidant attachment style stems from her complicated relationship with her emotionally distant parents, making her hyper-independent and reluctant to rely on anyone but herself.
Disorganized Attachment – Joe Goldberg (You): Joe Goldberg’s relationships are a chaotic mix of intense obsession and fear of true intimacy. One minute, he’s obsessed with his partner; the next, he’s literally ruining their life (or worse). His unpredictable attachment style—rooted in trauma—makes him a perfect example of disorganized attachment, where love and fear go hand in hand.
Recognizing Attachment Patterns in Relationships
Reflecting on my past relationships, I noticed a recurring theme: I often felt anxious about my partner's commitment and sought constant reassurance. Curious about these patterns, I took an attachment style quiz and discovered that I have an anxious attachment style. In contrast, my current partner exhibits a secure attachment style.
Initially, our differing attachment styles led to misunderstandings; my need for constant reassurance clashed with his comfort in independence. However, by openly communicating our needs and working together, we've found a balance that meets both our styles. His consistent support has been instrumental in helping me feel more secure and reducing my anxiety within the relationship.
Understanding how attachment styles manifest in relationships is crucial. Research indicates that attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—significantly influence relationship satisfaction and emotional experiences. Securely attached individuals tend to have stable, trusting relationships, while those with insecure attachment styles may struggle with dependency, avoidance, or emotional unpredictability (Mantova, n.d.). By recognizing and addressing these attachment tendencies, individuals can work toward building healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Gen Z Statistics on Attachment Style
It's worth noting that attachment styles can vary across generations. A study by social psychologist Sara Konrath found a 56% increase in avoidant (dismissive) attachment styles and an 18% increase in anxious or fearful attachment styles among younger adults, particularly Gen Z (Issa, 2023). These shifts may be influenced by factors such as social media, changing societal norms, increased mental health challenges, economic pressures, and evolving dating trends (Issa, 2023). With more relationships forming online and a greater emphasis on independence and career over long-term commitment, Gen Z is experiencing attachment dynamics different from previous generations (Issa, 2023).
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
The good news is that attachment styles are not set in stone. While early experiences shape our attachment patterns, research shows that self-awareness, therapy, and personal growth can lead to meaningful change (Vinney, 2024).
For Gen Z, attachment dynamics are shifting in ways previous generations didn’t experience. With mental health conversations at the forefront, more young adults are actively reflecting on their emotional patterns and seeking therapy or self-help resources to work through attachment insecurities. However, factors like increased loneliness, digital communication replacing in-person intimacy, and evolving online dating culture can make change feel more challenging. Despite these obstacles, research suggests that with intentional effort, supportive relationships, and emotional regulation, it is possible to develop healthier and more secure attachments (Vinney, 2024).
While attachment styles don’t change overnight, Gen-Z’s growing awareness of emotional well-being creates more opportunities than ever to break old patterns and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
Conclusion: Love is a Journey
Learning about attachment theory has made me rethink the way I approach relationships. It’s helped me recognize my own patterns—not as labels that define me, but as starting points for growth. While attachment styles can influence how we give and receive love, they don’t have to dictate our relationships forever. With self-awareness, effort, and the right support, change is possible.
This Valentine’s Day, I’m not just thinking about relationships in a traditional sense—I’m reflecting on what it means to build trust, communicate better, and be more intentional in how I connect with others. Whether your attachment style makes relationships feel easy or challenging, the important thing is that it’s never too late to understand yourself and work toward stronger, healthier connections.
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Such an interesting read!
Love this blog. Sadly I have a disorganized attachment but...I'm learning how to go against my initial instincts for healthier relationships.
Incredible blog, thank you for sharing!